smile

I'm lying in my Mums bed, surrounded by tissues, magazines and empty glasses. My Aunty has bought me raspberry Sara Lee ice cream, the rlly posh one that comes in the round paper tub. I can't breath through my nose, my vision is all blurry and my head feels like it is going to explode. And lying here, with glandular fever I manage to smile.
I feel rlly over-whelmed with how my family are looking after me. My Dad has given up his bed until I'm better, and today when I got my blood tests he sat with me. I have had blood tests before but today I was more sick than usual, and my Dad rlly hates blood. When the nurse was putting the sample into the capsule my Dad was squinting, but when he saw me looking at him he looked away. And my Mum keeps coming to talk to me, fetching and carrying for me. And she cuddles me a lot, and I love that. Every time my Aunty goes to town she buys me something lovely to try and cheer me up. They are have all be so good to me.
Ha, but my family is only half of the reason I was smiling.
The other side of my smile, is a cruel, smug and self-satisfied one. I was thinking about everything I have ever done. All the people I have hurt to become happy and to get what I want. The people I hurt are rarely significant to me, I have my loyalty and I know my boundaries. The reason I was thinking about this was I have been tossing over a decision in my mind. But considering the loss and the gain I have made up my mind.
The choice was a selfish one.
But all is in favour of me.

beuuuuuuurgh sick

i have never been this sick in my entire life, i feel so bloody horrible
on the verge of fucking death

d/t

He is the love of my life, forever and ever and ever.
Through rain and shine, day and night. I love him, and true love - lasts a life time
xxxx david tennant

a pool of thoughts

I know that I am a vague person, my thoughts are irregular and never logical. It's just that lately it's extent has become extreme, and basically it's getting really weird. I can't concentrate, and the harder I try the harder it is. My mind is constantly carried away by philosophical things, my body just loves to explore my brain. I often think about human existence, this planet, space and time.

Human Existence:
We all live - eat, sleep, breath and fuck. And if that is all we need to live, the biological side of things. Why do we think, why do we talk? Think about how small our planet is, but each person, in each country - is completely different. We all have a unique thoughts.. that is how the humans - as a race, have progressed so much. Think about it, within the space of 50 years, we have gone from black and white photographs, to films and then to colour television. We are all full of ideas and plans, how we want out lives to work out. We have so much ambition.
But why?
Why are people so important, if we weren't here everything would continue as before. Time never stops, everything would still grow - the trees and the animals. Personally, I don't believe in god, religions have so many faults. But I do believe that there is something, after death. If this is it - everything.. why do so many things occur in the world which are unexplained.
Hrm...
And like I have said before; Reality is just perception and concept, if you know nothing.. then nothing is real.

Time and Space:
Both time and space were here before us. This world wasn't made for us, it wasn't made for anything. It was an freak accident of nature, a phenomena. Time will always continue, that is one fact of life. When you die, the seconds will still pass - the hours and days. Everyone will live through your death, it might be hard for the people around you. But the world wont stop for anything or anyone. That is what makes everything so hard to take in.. :/ hrm

life

Look up and see the starsI never think before I speak the words just spill out, I love it

drought

"Life is hard, so fucking put your hard face on"
I am no longer an emotional wreck, but instead the opposite. I feel little remorse for my actions and put on a cold, blunt face. The malicious side of my personality however is bubbling up, I laugh at others hardships and plan ways to spoil things. My eyes are so dry, I couldn't push out tears if I tried. I don't care, I can't care.

I need to balance my emotions, I have just go from one extreme to the other.

Thoughts

Reality is just perception and concept, if you know nothing then nothing is real...

we cant stop looking

good times

Last night was amazing. I can hardly remember a thing, my thoughts are distant and blurred. My mood over the past few days has been poor to say the least, but going on a proper good night out makes me feel so good about life. I was drinking very cheap vodka which tasted as rough as arsehole, the potency was very high and so I pretty much got fucked. Between vodka, copious amounts of goon (the drink of gods) and Andreas specialties - I got so intoxicated that this morning I can hardly stand up. Some of the few things I do remember include, Sian standing on top of a cat scratcher, my dancing like crazy, paying for someones taxis and begging for ciggies.
Eventful :)

fuck this

However I try and approach things, I always fuck them up. I am a complete waste of time, and space and matter. My existence is purposeless. I think about times when I didn't appreciate what I had, my health, my happiness, and people. I hate how I think, I hate how I talk, I hate how I act, I hate how I look. I just want to get a massive rubber and rub my self out. But I'd rub to hard and the paper would rip, and it would be just another one of those things I fucked up. And no one listens, no one knows. I can't get my point across to anyone ever, and I don't expect them to understand I don't.
I tilt my head back and look at the ceiling, I see stars. I always see stars. Every morning I wake up and nearly pass out, everything is so hazy. I don't know if I'm coming or going.. I feel sick thinking about everything, I just want to vomit up all the bad things I do. Get them out of my system. In the shower I scrub my self, I try and clean my insides. Clean all the rubbish out of my shitty little life.
I don't understand anything anymore. I just want to be peaceful and not care. I want to be up with the stars, the same stars I see every morning. I want to look down on the earth with dry eyes, and laugh my way to Mars with David Tennant. Why can't dreams be real? And why does nothing work out the way you want?
I destined to be lonely, depressed and on meds for the rest of my life.

trouble with me

"i dont look at you enought to notice"
........
and so she stays, on sunset strip
a heart so full i drown in it
shes waiting for my words to break
the one true love i couldnt make

sad excuse for life

lkjndl;jkg;dlkdfjhhfglkhfd
i fucking love jeopardy :'( now its over im shattereeeeeeeed

jeopardy

At the beginning of this year I watched Jeopardy religiously, taping every episode. When I was little, about 10 - back when I lived in England I used to watch it then too. It's just one of those shows I keep coming back to.
Even though it's a kids show, it's so so so lovely. I love Harry and Lucy, and the relationship they have. Every time they say something cute to each other, or hug, or Lucy smiles in that way at him I get butterflies. I love it how Lucy is so pretty and Harry isn't, the fact that she loves him for his personality.
Towards the end of the season 3, the two of them finally kiss and I found my self so pleased and content. It's like when you watch a movie, or a tv show and when something cute happens you are all sort of 'awhhhh'ed out' and feel all happy. I just love Harry and Lucy :3
I used to really like Simon and Chrissy, but watching it this time round I don't find them that cute at all. They argue all the time, and even though Simon is a lot better looking than Harry he's really arrogant and it just makes him unattractive.
I just wish I could find someone, like I know Jeopardy is a show about UFO's, and a whole lot of other bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I love that part of Jeopardy - the plot and whatever. But the real reason I keep going back to it, is the relationships the couples have. Even Leon and Shona can be cute sometimes, even if they are super annoying.

I wish I could find someone who didn't care if I was bad looking or whatever, and just liked me for my personality. And I guess I wish I could do the same, like look past the physical exterior.
mmmm, i love Jeopardy - it is the best show ever.

year ten is finito

i feel lusssssh!
year 10 is over and i feel a million times better. i am unsure if this is because of my optimism or my medication, whatever ever it is - its working. i cant wait for the holidays, the world is my oyster!
going to birdmans party tonight, which should be alright. so far i have no drinks and no money, but i usually find a way to get completey fucked. tomorrow i have lights fest, which i reckon will be shit. but it's a 'show your face' kind of event. so i guess it will be nice to see everyone.

;)

exams are overr waheeeey ;)
im all smiley like

guilt

i always find a way to mess things up,
for the first time in months i felt happy, i was in a good mood and everything seemed to be looking up. i should of know that i would ruin it for my self, but as usual i was oblivious.
i spoilt everything.. not only for me but for the people i care most about
i am so so sorry

meds

this week has been very weird,
my heads been up and down, backwards and forwards
im seeing stars and everything looks like its floating

english boys

why do boys in england think it looks attractive to have a shaved head,
like sure some boys with a very nice well structured face have the ablity to have there hair short cz they can pull it off. but some of the boys who i see on facebook looking fucking terrible

90% of goodlooking people have good hair,
seriously.
hair in most cases makes a person goodlooking. like there are plenty of people i know who arent that attractive, but their lovely fringes make them look rlly good.
seriously, english boys are so stupid

and so are english girls bth,
why would you want to go out with a skinhead with a nikey tick shaved into the back ?
uurgh, turns my stomach lol >>

mm

show some skin

i love boys with good collar bones, mmmm

summer time :D

school is soon to be over! only 3 more weeks then its time for the summer break. i cannot waaaaaaaaaaait till summer, i hate summer weather. i hate 'lets go beach' and all that shit it's just i love the time to me self.
in the summer you don't feel as though you have to go out everyday you can just chill at home and eat icy poles and go neopets it's like amazing.
& the summer parties! i loveloveloveee paryting, and seeing as summer is the season of partying we go well together. i'll be gooning it up every week and i have no idea what i'm doing for new year yet but i know it will be amazinggggggg!

party time, excellent

YEWWW BIRTHDAY PARTY TODAY ! :D

everything all over again

my life is undergoing change,
change always comes eventually - for better or for worse
it's just the more i observe how things progress the more i wish i could pause time
i wish i could go back, a week, a month, a year and warn my self about the future
i used to be so naive,
and happy.

drunk bullshit

I just got back from Josh's party, I am drunk as hell - chilling on facebook, as you do. Today wasn't incredibly eventfull, like it was nice; rlly nice, but good day are usually pretty much the same.

Today I turned sweet 16; never been kissed

I got my bdo ticket money, some clothes, a makeup bag, chocolates and lots of mulaah. I intend to spend my money on a phone, because I guess without a phone you are sort of cut of from society and your social life lol.
Idk, I'm sort of talking about nothing because I'm in a pretty good mood,
Josh's tonight was nice (other than the girl breaking the window with her head & me being sick)
I feel quite content with how I behaved, if they makes any sense at all?

I reckon I'm crapping on now,
I don't remember much other than working out on the excerise machine and taking a load of shite photos with everyone
the only thing is over the next few days I know I'll feel crap, it always happen when I drink.

But blehhhdhh I should probably go to bed, I am sooo tired
Got Sian's cup day thing tomorrow, I will be hungover as hell
I look forward to the food, because I love food



well wasn't that a load of bullshit>>
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

♥

And so Sally can wait,
She knows it's to late,
As we're walking on by,
Her soul slides away,
But don't look back in anger,
I heard you say

janine

i'm totally in -
just as long as we can try out for bigbrother one year, i've always wanted to go on it >>

oh and i might go on weekend 'away' to sit outside david tennants house and like wank
bahahahaha

the three deadly sins,

i see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil
my ability to pretend and shut my self off from the three deadly sins is scary. get into bed and sleep for 7 hours - during the day of course. sit up all night, watch extras and block out everything bad that happens. avoid msn, myspace, facebook - school is a no show.
its sadistic.

into the blackhole

it is the first time in weeks i have felt exhausted,
i just want to sleep off all the fucked up things i've said over the past 24 hours
i dont think ill show my face at school much this week

improvement & insomnia

i went to school everyday this week, and although you may not think much of my achievement - it has lightened my mood completely.
ever since thursday night when i realised that i had pretty much made the week, i have been unusually happy
unfortunately my insomnia is still as strong as ever,
i will usually sleep 3 - 4 hours a night, the only time i seem to sleep well is after copious amounts of alcohol
at night i seem to do all the things i never have the time to do during the day
i have a list of chores i try and complete before 2:30am every night
if i complete all the chores before 2:30am i find it slightly easier to sleep, but if i haven't finished i force my self to complete all the unfinished things

i was never a very tidy person, i actually enjoyed my room being messy
but every night i aim to tidy and perfect a different area in my room. i have started to become a little obsessed with this and even spray and wipe down my mirror and vanity table

also due to my insomnia i have started drawing,
and i know it's lame to draw when you aren't even good at it, but for a short time it takes my mind off all the things stopping me from going to sleep
i feel a lot less anxious and it helps my eyes to become tired

overal things are improving, i have my bad days but i have my good days

im just about to have a shower because tonight i'm going to one of rudi's things,
it should be nice, just your usual night
xx

my faults

i have an obsessive personality
i find it hard to to face the truth
i am underweight and lack in nice appearance
my face is squashed up and my mouth is to small
i am selfish
i make the same mistakes time and time again
i bite my nails
i am malicious
i am constantly uptight, anxious and fidgety
i have a lack of motivation
i am jealous
i find it hard to put my feelings into perspective

:/

depression feels like being trapped inside a box, its cold, your alone and no one can help you. but thats okay because with depression you know your boundaries, you have the box - at least thats something.

but anxiety is horrible.
it's wondering what its like in the box, feeling scared and sick all the time. how will you feel in the box? will it be cold? will it be lonely?
not knowing is so much worse than knowing
i feel sick even thinking about it

i feel horrible,
everything is a struggle

frustration

it's rlly difficult when you have something to need say, but you just can't

hrm

i wish i was beautiful, charismatic and pulled all the boys

future

hihi,
im pumped like crazy for the upcoming weeks, it's all going to be so good. next week is formal - of course im not excited for the actual 'formal.' it's rlly crap and boring - 3 hours of non-alcoholic fun. the best part about formal is the after parties! ahhh! & seeing as my favorite hobbie is partying, i am beside my self with excitement.
it just makes it better that afterwards, i've organised a hotel with some of my bestfriends. i can't wait to bathe in the spa and smoke pj golds on the veranda.
also i loveeeee dressing up, i have a lovely black dress and i can't wait to have my hair and make up done! ! it's all going to be so good.

the weekend after, it's my brothers birthday. not that it will be overly exciting, but i'll go out for dinner. and i presume i'll go out that weekend either way.

the weekend after thaaaaaaat is cup weekend!!!!!!!!!! bridget's 16th halloween party, which is going to be completely sweet. so far i haven't decided what to wear, to be honest i havent thought to much about it. as well as it being bridgets birthday party and a long weekend - it is my birthday (Y) which will be super gooood

the weekend after thatttt is my birthday party ! :D moarrrr partying,
so yesyes ! next few weeks are going to be hectic mad
yaaaaaaaaaaay

i love who i am

my best friend is alcohol, i look to it for support, closure and comfort
i like getting fucked up, it makes everything better

oppression

Today kicking back after a hard days hangover I thought to my self how people oppress me. I hate controlling people, I hate people who make me intentionally upset and I hate people who stop me having a great time.
It seems only now I can say that I have made a conscious start to getting rid of my oppressions. When people see that they no longer control you it actually hurts them a little. I don't mean that they'd be upset or angry, but losing authority often effects peoples self esteem.
I know that 'putting people in their place' isn't particularly nice, but people who control others deserve it to an extent.

I'm just sick of people walking over me like I'm a carpet. I except that I am 'naive', quite often I believe the bullshit people come out with. I am unlucky as I find my self trusting the wrong people all the time.
But in fact, what is trust? Because as time goes on I believe in it less and less. It seems that trust is a concept someone invented to help people feel reassured. But in reality trust does not exist - Well not in my world.
I know all of this is pretty depressing or whatever, but it's all true. The only person in the world that can help you is your self. People will always oppress you, people will always lead you on, people will always let you down.

vomit

port led to me being very ill last night -.-

mistakes

I thought for once i had my head on straight, but yet again i seem to have made the same mistake i always do.

Majority of people learn from their mistakes. they grown, learn and thrive from the experience. But i have a habit of repeating situations. It doesn't matter how much i know it will spoil things I just continue my actions.
I wish I was smarter,

fml

from the words of mayday parade, "i can live with out you, but with out you i'll be miserable at best"

>.>

Everything Changes,

Past, Present, Future

I wish I knew what I wanted..
I've been set on the same thing for so long and now I think have changed my my mind

But instead of things becoming clear everything is just hazy, distraught and blurred..

sping!

the holidays await my drunken dancing, chain smoking and most of all my lack of responsibility

Why can't things be simple?

People have this thing where they always want what they can't have. To an extent this makes things more interesting, but in reality it makes society harder to live in.
People always want to be someone else, doing something else, their are few people who are actually content with what they have.
And its hard when people don't realise what they have is special and how if they opened their eyes they might realise that.
It's also hard when people continue to chase something for months, never stopping to realise that sometimes its not worth it.

I wish that everyone enjoyed what they had and appreciated how other felt about them.
Because sooner or later you lose it all, and then the cycle starts again - you want what you can't have.

bodies

"All we’ve ever wanted, Is to look good naked, Hope that someone can take it. God save me rejection, From my reflection, I want perfection."
- Robbie Williams

Robbie William's new song is so super good! Ahh, after the first listen I though "God this will grow on me." After about half an hour I was in love! Yet again Robbie you have made me happy.

Got home today I was in the worst mood ever, listened to Bodies and Across the Universe by the beatles and I felt better ^___^ mmm,
I would of felt even better if someone had sympathised, but I guess thats what Robbie is there for.

poison

the poison is thick and sickly sweet,
i like it so much

Ideal

sol seppy - enter one
the love of my life.

Everything

I am in the weirdest mood.
I feel sad, my body is tingling and when i close my eyes I feel completely peaceful.

I would describe my thoughts as 'ghostly' or ' sinister angelic'. Untouchable, above everything and everyone - as though I am so upset nothing else can hurt. I feel like I am breaking, piece by piece. But I am equally as strong, as though I know nothing matters. I feel like I am flying, and falling - that feeling you get from aeroplane turbulence. I feel so sick, I want to puke. I am cold, alone and pure.

Nothing matters.
I only cry for me,

Sunday Mornings!

Everyone loves a good Sunday - the hangovers, the smudged makeup, the messy bedroom, the long phone calls, the maccas & the mi goreng.
I love Sundays, you can sleep all day and not worry about anything.

New Beginnings

These blogs have become a bit of an addiction, even after having my first (very personal) blog read by every man and his dog I convince my self to start again. This time I aspire to approach the "blogging" concept differently. Rather than keeping it between my cousin and I, I thought why not make it public? Post a few bulletins, put a link on myspace, facebook. If it's as public then there aren't any secrets, anyone can read it and when writting I will keep this in mind. So yes, this is my completely fresh start. It's actually kind of exciting.