yeah :/

okay so i know how it works,
you go out, you 'see them', you say embarrassing things, they fob you for a few days but eventually you give in and talk to them. :/
why don't they ever give in to you. well especially the rlly rlly nice ones, the ones you rlly like.
idk, i just want things to work out this time... huuuuuuuuur :/
i know they won't

it's plastered on my face how much i like you

rip my doctor

I regret to announce the death of my doctor. To me he has been amazing, honestly the loveliest man ever. David Tennant is a gorgeous, and now that he has left doctor who all I feel like doing is sulking in bed, eating chocolate and having a smoke. I loved David Tennant, I loved his character. When I was watching his final scenes I burst into tears, I just couldn't/still can't believe he's really gone. I cried so much, the world had come to an end. I have felt every emotion through Doctor who, even though it makes me sound like a lonely faggot - Doctor who helped me feel better when I was depressed, it helped me feel not so alone. I can cry watching that show show, I can laugh. And David Tennant just made everything lovely. One day I hope he finds me, marries me - and we can have lots of sex and babies. Because I love him, PROPER TRUE LOVE - and that my friend, lasts a life time...

RIP, my darling david...
my lover, my friend and an over all babe
you will be missed, so much

:'(

life detox

feeling so much guilt, its unbearable
life detox, - do homework, stay in, watch donnie darko and meditate.
i am sick of the guilt

toxic

I feel like my happy thoughts have been swallowed up by the all disgusting things in life. I always ruin everything, I can't contain my self. Everything spills out, uncontrollably.. oozing with thick, sickly poison. Poisonous people... they just continue to intoxicate everyone around them. That's what I am, poisonous. Poisonous now, and poisonous then.
No one changes, nothing progresses. Deep down we are all the same people we were yesterday, we are all the same people we were a year ago. Just parts of our personalities become more distinct, whilst other parts hide away for a while. I can pretend to be lovely, I can pretend not to be so poisonous. But deep down, I know that eventually I'll show my true colours. I seem to upset people, my actions and my moods just aggravate them. I have my bad days, and I don't expect that to change. But I have gotten better. Every day used to be a bad day, every day I would be poisonous... I just never let anyone close enough to feel my pain. Because, being poisonous - it doesn't only hurt other's around you. You feel it too, more than ever. The dull on-going mental pain. It's hard to let people in when you know they'll just shut you out. I know I've written about a million blogs so similar to this one, but I don't care. It's how I feel, all the bloody time. It's still relevant because it never goes away.
I know shutting my self off from everyone doesn't help, but letting them in just makes things worse. Because instead of one unhappy person, you then have two. I don't know.. I just can't be bothered. All I want to do is drink and smoke my life away.

new years

twentyten wow,
new decade, new people, new places, fresh start, fresh smiles, the list goes on.
new years resolutions have never rlly been my thing, but i have come up with one.

"become a better person"

if i can accomplish this one, who cares if i smoke, drink and slag about.

smile

I'm lying in my Mums bed, surrounded by tissues, magazines and empty glasses. My Aunty has bought me raspberry Sara Lee ice cream, the rlly posh one that comes in the round paper tub. I can't breath through my nose, my vision is all blurry and my head feels like it is going to explode. And lying here, with glandular fever I manage to smile.
I feel rlly over-whelmed with how my family are looking after me. My Dad has given up his bed until I'm better, and today when I got my blood tests he sat with me. I have had blood tests before but today I was more sick than usual, and my Dad rlly hates blood. When the nurse was putting the sample into the capsule my Dad was squinting, but when he saw me looking at him he looked away. And my Mum keeps coming to talk to me, fetching and carrying for me. And she cuddles me a lot, and I love that. Every time my Aunty goes to town she buys me something lovely to try and cheer me up. They are have all be so good to me.
Ha, but my family is only half of the reason I was smiling.
The other side of my smile, is a cruel, smug and self-satisfied one. I was thinking about everything I have ever done. All the people I have hurt to become happy and to get what I want. The people I hurt are rarely significant to me, I have my loyalty and I know my boundaries. The reason I was thinking about this was I have been tossing over a decision in my mind. But considering the loss and the gain I have made up my mind.
The choice was a selfish one.
But all is in favour of me.

beuuuuuuurgh sick

i have never been this sick in my entire life, i feel so bloody horrible
on the verge of fucking death

d/t

He is the love of my life, forever and ever and ever.
Through rain and shine, day and night. I love him, and true love - lasts a life time
xxxx david tennant

a pool of thoughts

I know that I am a vague person, my thoughts are irregular and never logical. It's just that lately it's extent has become extreme, and basically it's getting really weird. I can't concentrate, and the harder I try the harder it is. My mind is constantly carried away by philosophical things, my body just loves to explore my brain. I often think about human existence, this planet, space and time.

Human Existence:
We all live - eat, sleep, breath and fuck. And if that is all we need to live, the biological side of things. Why do we think, why do we talk? Think about how small our planet is, but each person, in each country - is completely different. We all have a unique thoughts.. that is how the humans - as a race, have progressed so much. Think about it, within the space of 50 years, we have gone from black and white photographs, to films and then to colour television. We are all full of ideas and plans, how we want out lives to work out. We have so much ambition.
But why?
Why are people so important, if we weren't here everything would continue as before. Time never stops, everything would still grow - the trees and the animals. Personally, I don't believe in god, religions have so many faults. But I do believe that there is something, after death. If this is it - everything.. why do so many things occur in the world which are unexplained.
Hrm...
And like I have said before; Reality is just perception and concept, if you know nothing.. then nothing is real.

Time and Space:
Both time and space were here before us. This world wasn't made for us, it wasn't made for anything. It was an freak accident of nature, a phenomena. Time will always continue, that is one fact of life. When you die, the seconds will still pass - the hours and days. Everyone will live through your death, it might be hard for the people around you. But the world wont stop for anything or anyone. That is what makes everything so hard to take in.. :/ hrm

life

Look up and see the starsI never think before I speak the words just spill out, I love it

drought

"Life is hard, so fucking put your hard face on"
I am no longer an emotional wreck, but instead the opposite. I feel little remorse for my actions and put on a cold, blunt face. The malicious side of my personality however is bubbling up, I laugh at others hardships and plan ways to spoil things. My eyes are so dry, I couldn't push out tears if I tried. I don't care, I can't care.

I need to balance my emotions, I have just go from one extreme to the other.

Thoughts

Reality is just perception and concept, if you know nothing then nothing is real...

we cant stop looking

good times

Last night was amazing. I can hardly remember a thing, my thoughts are distant and blurred. My mood over the past few days has been poor to say the least, but going on a proper good night out makes me feel so good about life. I was drinking very cheap vodka which tasted as rough as arsehole, the potency was very high and so I pretty much got fucked. Between vodka, copious amounts of goon (the drink of gods) and Andreas specialties - I got so intoxicated that this morning I can hardly stand up. Some of the few things I do remember include, Sian standing on top of a cat scratcher, my dancing like crazy, paying for someones taxis and begging for ciggies.
Eventful :)

fuck this

However I try and approach things, I always fuck them up. I am a complete waste of time, and space and matter. My existence is purposeless. I think about times when I didn't appreciate what I had, my health, my happiness, and people. I hate how I think, I hate how I talk, I hate how I act, I hate how I look. I just want to get a massive rubber and rub my self out. But I'd rub to hard and the paper would rip, and it would be just another one of those things I fucked up. And no one listens, no one knows. I can't get my point across to anyone ever, and I don't expect them to understand I don't.
I tilt my head back and look at the ceiling, I see stars. I always see stars. Every morning I wake up and nearly pass out, everything is so hazy. I don't know if I'm coming or going.. I feel sick thinking about everything, I just want to vomit up all the bad things I do. Get them out of my system. In the shower I scrub my self, I try and clean my insides. Clean all the rubbish out of my shitty little life.
I don't understand anything anymore. I just want to be peaceful and not care. I want to be up with the stars, the same stars I see every morning. I want to look down on the earth with dry eyes, and laugh my way to Mars with David Tennant. Why can't dreams be real? And why does nothing work out the way you want?
I destined to be lonely, depressed and on meds for the rest of my life.

trouble with me

"i dont look at you enought to notice"
........
and so she stays, on sunset strip
a heart so full i drown in it
shes waiting for my words to break
the one true love i couldnt make

sad excuse for life

lkjndl;jkg;dlkdfjhhfglkhfd
i fucking love jeopardy :'( now its over im shattereeeeeeeed

jeopardy

At the beginning of this year I watched Jeopardy religiously, taping every episode. When I was little, about 10 - back when I lived in England I used to watch it then too. It's just one of those shows I keep coming back to.
Even though it's a kids show, it's so so so lovely. I love Harry and Lucy, and the relationship they have. Every time they say something cute to each other, or hug, or Lucy smiles in that way at him I get butterflies. I love it how Lucy is so pretty and Harry isn't, the fact that she loves him for his personality.
Towards the end of the season 3, the two of them finally kiss and I found my self so pleased and content. It's like when you watch a movie, or a tv show and when something cute happens you are all sort of 'awhhhh'ed out' and feel all happy. I just love Harry and Lucy :3
I used to really like Simon and Chrissy, but watching it this time round I don't find them that cute at all. They argue all the time, and even though Simon is a lot better looking than Harry he's really arrogant and it just makes him unattractive.
I just wish I could find someone, like I know Jeopardy is a show about UFO's, and a whole lot of other bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I love that part of Jeopardy - the plot and whatever. But the real reason I keep going back to it, is the relationships the couples have. Even Leon and Shona can be cute sometimes, even if they are super annoying.

I wish I could find someone who didn't care if I was bad looking or whatever, and just liked me for my personality. And I guess I wish I could do the same, like look past the physical exterior.
mmmm, i love Jeopardy - it is the best show ever.

year ten is finito

i feel lusssssh!
year 10 is over and i feel a million times better. i am unsure if this is because of my optimism or my medication, whatever ever it is - its working. i cant wait for the holidays, the world is my oyster!
going to birdmans party tonight, which should be alright. so far i have no drinks and no money, but i usually find a way to get completey fucked. tomorrow i have lights fest, which i reckon will be shit. but it's a 'show your face' kind of event. so i guess it will be nice to see everyone.

;)

exams are overr waheeeey ;)
im all smiley like