toxic

I feel like my happy thoughts have been swallowed up by the all disgusting things in life. I always ruin everything, I can't contain my self. Everything spills out, uncontrollably.. oozing with thick, sickly poison. Poisonous people... they just continue to intoxicate everyone around them. That's what I am, poisonous. Poisonous now, and poisonous then.
No one changes, nothing progresses. Deep down we are all the same people we were yesterday, we are all the same people we were a year ago. Just parts of our personalities become more distinct, whilst other parts hide away for a while. I can pretend to be lovely, I can pretend not to be so poisonous. But deep down, I know that eventually I'll show my true colours. I seem to upset people, my actions and my moods just aggravate them. I have my bad days, and I don't expect that to change. But I have gotten better. Every day used to be a bad day, every day I would be poisonous... I just never let anyone close enough to feel my pain. Because, being poisonous - it doesn't only hurt other's around you. You feel it too, more than ever. The dull on-going mental pain. It's hard to let people in when you know they'll just shut you out. I know I've written about a million blogs so similar to this one, but I don't care. It's how I feel, all the bloody time. It's still relevant because it never goes away.
I know shutting my self off from everyone doesn't help, but letting them in just makes things worse. Because instead of one unhappy person, you then have two. I don't know.. I just can't be bothered. All I want to do is drink and smoke my life away.