yeah :/

okay so i know how it works,
you go out, you 'see them', you say embarrassing things, they fob you for a few days but eventually you give in and talk to them. :/
why don't they ever give in to you. well especially the rlly rlly nice ones, the ones you rlly like.
idk, i just want things to work out this time... huuuuuuuuur :/
i know they won't

it's plastered on my face how much i like you

rip my doctor

I regret to announce the death of my doctor. To me he has been amazing, honestly the loveliest man ever. David Tennant is a gorgeous, and now that he has left doctor who all I feel like doing is sulking in bed, eating chocolate and having a smoke. I loved David Tennant, I loved his character. When I was watching his final scenes I burst into tears, I just couldn't/still can't believe he's really gone. I cried so much, the world had come to an end. I have felt every emotion through Doctor who, even though it makes me sound like a lonely faggot - Doctor who helped me feel better when I was depressed, it helped me feel not so alone. I can cry watching that show show, I can laugh. And David Tennant just made everything lovely. One day I hope he finds me, marries me - and we can have lots of sex and babies. Because I love him, PROPER TRUE LOVE - and that my friend, lasts a life time...

RIP, my darling david...
my lover, my friend and an over all babe
you will be missed, so much

:'(

life detox

feeling so much guilt, its unbearable
life detox, - do homework, stay in, watch donnie darko and meditate.
i am sick of the guilt

toxic

I feel like my happy thoughts have been swallowed up by the all disgusting things in life. I always ruin everything, I can't contain my self. Everything spills out, uncontrollably.. oozing with thick, sickly poison. Poisonous people... they just continue to intoxicate everyone around them. That's what I am, poisonous. Poisonous now, and poisonous then.
No one changes, nothing progresses. Deep down we are all the same people we were yesterday, we are all the same people we were a year ago. Just parts of our personalities become more distinct, whilst other parts hide away for a while. I can pretend to be lovely, I can pretend not to be so poisonous. But deep down, I know that eventually I'll show my true colours. I seem to upset people, my actions and my moods just aggravate them. I have my bad days, and I don't expect that to change. But I have gotten better. Every day used to be a bad day, every day I would be poisonous... I just never let anyone close enough to feel my pain. Because, being poisonous - it doesn't only hurt other's around you. You feel it too, more than ever. The dull on-going mental pain. It's hard to let people in when you know they'll just shut you out. I know I've written about a million blogs so similar to this one, but I don't care. It's how I feel, all the bloody time. It's still relevant because it never goes away.
I know shutting my self off from everyone doesn't help, but letting them in just makes things worse. Because instead of one unhappy person, you then have two. I don't know.. I just can't be bothered. All I want to do is drink and smoke my life away.

new years

twentyten wow,
new decade, new people, new places, fresh start, fresh smiles, the list goes on.
new years resolutions have never rlly been my thing, but i have come up with one.

"become a better person"

if i can accomplish this one, who cares if i smoke, drink and slag about.

smile

I'm lying in my Mums bed, surrounded by tissues, magazines and empty glasses. My Aunty has bought me raspberry Sara Lee ice cream, the rlly posh one that comes in the round paper tub. I can't breath through my nose, my vision is all blurry and my head feels like it is going to explode. And lying here, with glandular fever I manage to smile.
I feel rlly over-whelmed with how my family are looking after me. My Dad has given up his bed until I'm better, and today when I got my blood tests he sat with me. I have had blood tests before but today I was more sick than usual, and my Dad rlly hates blood. When the nurse was putting the sample into the capsule my Dad was squinting, but when he saw me looking at him he looked away. And my Mum keeps coming to talk to me, fetching and carrying for me. And she cuddles me a lot, and I love that. Every time my Aunty goes to town she buys me something lovely to try and cheer me up. They are have all be so good to me.
Ha, but my family is only half of the reason I was smiling.
The other side of my smile, is a cruel, smug and self-satisfied one. I was thinking about everything I have ever done. All the people I have hurt to become happy and to get what I want. The people I hurt are rarely significant to me, I have my loyalty and I know my boundaries. The reason I was thinking about this was I have been tossing over a decision in my mind. But considering the loss and the gain I have made up my mind.
The choice was a selfish one.
But all is in favour of me.

beuuuuuuurgh sick

i have never been this sick in my entire life, i feel so bloody horrible
on the verge of fucking death