Thoughts

Reality is just perception and concept, if you know nothing then nothing is real...

we cant stop looking

good times

Last night was amazing. I can hardly remember a thing, my thoughts are distant and blurred. My mood over the past few days has been poor to say the least, but going on a proper good night out makes me feel so good about life. I was drinking very cheap vodka which tasted as rough as arsehole, the potency was very high and so I pretty much got fucked. Between vodka, copious amounts of goon (the drink of gods) and Andreas specialties - I got so intoxicated that this morning I can hardly stand up. Some of the few things I do remember include, Sian standing on top of a cat scratcher, my dancing like crazy, paying for someones taxis and begging for ciggies.
Eventful :)

fuck this

However I try and approach things, I always fuck them up. I am a complete waste of time, and space and matter. My existence is purposeless. I think about times when I didn't appreciate what I had, my health, my happiness, and people. I hate how I think, I hate how I talk, I hate how I act, I hate how I look. I just want to get a massive rubber and rub my self out. But I'd rub to hard and the paper would rip, and it would be just another one of those things I fucked up. And no one listens, no one knows. I can't get my point across to anyone ever, and I don't expect them to understand I don't.
I tilt my head back and look at the ceiling, I see stars. I always see stars. Every morning I wake up and nearly pass out, everything is so hazy. I don't know if I'm coming or going.. I feel sick thinking about everything, I just want to vomit up all the bad things I do. Get them out of my system. In the shower I scrub my self, I try and clean my insides. Clean all the rubbish out of my shitty little life.
I don't understand anything anymore. I just want to be peaceful and not care. I want to be up with the stars, the same stars I see every morning. I want to look down on the earth with dry eyes, and laugh my way to Mars with David Tennant. Why can't dreams be real? And why does nothing work out the way you want?
I destined to be lonely, depressed and on meds for the rest of my life.

trouble with me

"i dont look at you enought to notice"
........
and so she stays, on sunset strip
a heart so full i drown in it
shes waiting for my words to break
the one true love i couldnt make

sad excuse for life

lkjndl;jkg;dlkdfjhhfglkhfd
i fucking love jeopardy :'( now its over im shattereeeeeeeed

jeopardy

At the beginning of this year I watched Jeopardy religiously, taping every episode. When I was little, about 10 - back when I lived in England I used to watch it then too. It's just one of those shows I keep coming back to.
Even though it's a kids show, it's so so so lovely. I love Harry and Lucy, and the relationship they have. Every time they say something cute to each other, or hug, or Lucy smiles in that way at him I get butterflies. I love it how Lucy is so pretty and Harry isn't, the fact that she loves him for his personality.
Towards the end of the season 3, the two of them finally kiss and I found my self so pleased and content. It's like when you watch a movie, or a tv show and when something cute happens you are all sort of 'awhhhh'ed out' and feel all happy. I just love Harry and Lucy :3
I used to really like Simon and Chrissy, but watching it this time round I don't find them that cute at all. They argue all the time, and even though Simon is a lot better looking than Harry he's really arrogant and it just makes him unattractive.
I just wish I could find someone, like I know Jeopardy is a show about UFO's, and a whole lot of other bullshit. Don't get me wrong, I love that part of Jeopardy - the plot and whatever. But the real reason I keep going back to it, is the relationships the couples have. Even Leon and Shona can be cute sometimes, even if they are super annoying.

I wish I could find someone who didn't care if I was bad looking or whatever, and just liked me for my personality. And I guess I wish I could do the same, like look past the physical exterior.
mmmm, i love Jeopardy - it is the best show ever.