♥

And so Sally can wait,
She knows it's to late,
As we're walking on by,
Her soul slides away,
But don't look back in anger,
I heard you say

janine

i'm totally in -
just as long as we can try out for bigbrother one year, i've always wanted to go on it >>

oh and i might go on weekend 'away' to sit outside david tennants house and like wank
bahahahaha

the three deadly sins,

i see no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil
my ability to pretend and shut my self off from the three deadly sins is scary. get into bed and sleep for 7 hours - during the day of course. sit up all night, watch extras and block out everything bad that happens. avoid msn, myspace, facebook - school is a no show.
its sadistic.

into the blackhole

it is the first time in weeks i have felt exhausted,
i just want to sleep off all the fucked up things i've said over the past 24 hours
i dont think ill show my face at school much this week

improvement & insomnia

i went to school everyday this week, and although you may not think much of my achievement - it has lightened my mood completely.
ever since thursday night when i realised that i had pretty much made the week, i have been unusually happy
unfortunately my insomnia is still as strong as ever,
i will usually sleep 3 - 4 hours a night, the only time i seem to sleep well is after copious amounts of alcohol
at night i seem to do all the things i never have the time to do during the day
i have a list of chores i try and complete before 2:30am every night
if i complete all the chores before 2:30am i find it slightly easier to sleep, but if i haven't finished i force my self to complete all the unfinished things

i was never a very tidy person, i actually enjoyed my room being messy
but every night i aim to tidy and perfect a different area in my room. i have started to become a little obsessed with this and even spray and wipe down my mirror and vanity table

also due to my insomnia i have started drawing,
and i know it's lame to draw when you aren't even good at it, but for a short time it takes my mind off all the things stopping me from going to sleep
i feel a lot less anxious and it helps my eyes to become tired

overal things are improving, i have my bad days but i have my good days

im just about to have a shower because tonight i'm going to one of rudi's things,
it should be nice, just your usual night
xx

my faults

i have an obsessive personality
i find it hard to to face the truth
i am underweight and lack in nice appearance
my face is squashed up and my mouth is to small
i am selfish
i make the same mistakes time and time again
i bite my nails
i am malicious
i am constantly uptight, anxious and fidgety
i have a lack of motivation
i am jealous
i find it hard to put my feelings into perspective

:/

depression feels like being trapped inside a box, its cold, your alone and no one can help you. but thats okay because with depression you know your boundaries, you have the box - at least thats something.

but anxiety is horrible.
it's wondering what its like in the box, feeling scared and sick all the time. how will you feel in the box? will it be cold? will it be lonely?
not knowing is so much worse than knowing
i feel sick even thinking about it

i feel horrible,
everything is a struggle

frustration

it's rlly difficult when you have something to need say, but you just can't

hrm

i wish i was beautiful, charismatic and pulled all the boys

future

hihi,
im pumped like crazy for the upcoming weeks, it's all going to be so good. next week is formal - of course im not excited for the actual 'formal.' it's rlly crap and boring - 3 hours of non-alcoholic fun. the best part about formal is the after parties! ahhh! & seeing as my favorite hobbie is partying, i am beside my self with excitement.
it just makes it better that afterwards, i've organised a hotel with some of my bestfriends. i can't wait to bathe in the spa and smoke pj golds on the veranda.
also i loveeeee dressing up, i have a lovely black dress and i can't wait to have my hair and make up done! ! it's all going to be so good.

the weekend after, it's my brothers birthday. not that it will be overly exciting, but i'll go out for dinner. and i presume i'll go out that weekend either way.

the weekend after thaaaaaaat is cup weekend!!!!!!!!!! bridget's 16th halloween party, which is going to be completely sweet. so far i haven't decided what to wear, to be honest i havent thought to much about it. as well as it being bridgets birthday party and a long weekend - it is my birthday (Y) which will be super gooood

the weekend after thatttt is my birthday party ! :D moarrrr partying,
so yesyes ! next few weeks are going to be hectic mad
yaaaaaaaaaaay

i love who i am

my best friend is alcohol, i look to it for support, closure and comfort
i like getting fucked up, it makes everything better

oppression

Today kicking back after a hard days hangover I thought to my self how people oppress me. I hate controlling people, I hate people who make me intentionally upset and I hate people who stop me having a great time.
It seems only now I can say that I have made a conscious start to getting rid of my oppressions. When people see that they no longer control you it actually hurts them a little. I don't mean that they'd be upset or angry, but losing authority often effects peoples self esteem.
I know that 'putting people in their place' isn't particularly nice, but people who control others deserve it to an extent.

I'm just sick of people walking over me like I'm a carpet. I except that I am 'naive', quite often I believe the bullshit people come out with. I am unlucky as I find my self trusting the wrong people all the time.
But in fact, what is trust? Because as time goes on I believe in it less and less. It seems that trust is a concept someone invented to help people feel reassured. But in reality trust does not exist - Well not in my world.
I know all of this is pretty depressing or whatever, but it's all true. The only person in the world that can help you is your self. People will always oppress you, people will always lead you on, people will always let you down.